Day 41 of lockdown

Day 41 of lockdown. In some ways, this has all started to feel normal- as normal as this possibly could. However, when I stop and think about the true reality- about how most of the world has been at the standstill for at least 41 days and how millions of people, all from different nationalities, different cultures and different stages of life are now in the same boat (a boat stuck at harbour)- then it still feels surreal. We've had 41 days to try and accept what has happened to the world, but I'm not sure that my mind has truly grasped what is going on. All I can do is take it day by day.

At day number 41, I am pleased to announce that people have stopped drinking raw egg and seem to have stopped cutting their own hair, or in the very least they've stopped putting their attempts on social media. The former was disgusting to watch so I'm pleased that people have finally come to their senses, but if I have to be honest, I miss the latter- it could be quite entertaining watching people's failed attempts. Despite having some more freedom, under level 4, a lot has still stayed the same. We now have takeaways for which Mike and I are truly thankful and we can actually buy some non-essential items. I never thought that I could feel so much freedom just from buying a face mask or sweater. People can jog and take a walk, even if it is only during specified times. Most importantly, at least some people can go back to work. Mike and I are still working from home so we still don't see much of the outside world. Just the thought that some can slowly start getting our economy going has eased the weight that I am sure we all feel continuously on our chests whenever we think about what this virus is doing to our economy and the world's economy. Unfortunately, those who probably need it the most, the non-professional workers, are still stuck at home without an income. Therefore, although we have a glimmer of hope and some relief, it does not stop the cries of the thousands upon thousands who go hungry, nor does it numb the pleadings of those who are watching their businesses slowly crumble or are already without work. There is still a lot of desperation going around, and desperation can be like a ticking time bomb. Masks have become compulsory so when you go outside you're surrounded by one universal face: a mask and cautious eyes. It's a bit disconcerting having half of people's faces covered. There is no smile, no grimace, just one piece of material. It's not like I went around smiling at every person I met whilst grocery shopping, but I miss getting the odd smile from a stranger. Maybe their eyes could give a hint as to what they are thinking or how they are feeling, the eyes are the windows to the soul after all, but currently, everyone seems to be doing their best to avoid each other's eyes. The taboo on being social has seemed to spread to even just looking at each other. People are nervous, about everything, and no one can really blame them.

We've had 41 days of this "new normal" and the topic that seems to be on everyone's lips is: new normal or old normal?

I had started work on 8 January 2020. It was a major adjustment that I had to make and it took a lot of mental preparation. I had to get used to my "new normal." I went from a carefree student to a candidate attorney, which came with a lot of changes and sacrifices. Sacrifices such as sleep and time. My normal became: waking up at 04:45, either gyming in Pretoria and taking the Gautrain to Sandton or leaving my home at 05:30 and taking on the hour drive to Sandton where I would gym and then head to work. I would spend the day doing work that felt way above my head, not knowing what I was doing. I was constantly in high-pressure situations and got to get very well acquainted with adrenaline. I had to figure out what a professional me looked like and how she acted. Just figuring out how to write an email with the correct professional tone turned out to be a challenge. The job of a candidate attorney is to assist admitted attorneys, therefore you stayed as long as they stayed. I, therefore, never went home whilst the sun was still out. If it wasn't a load of work; it was PLTs that kept me busy until at least 21:00. I sat in a lovely air-conditioned shared office, but with no window. Johannesburg could be drenched due to a thunderstorm, and I would have no idea. I started missing the sun and daylight. I left home before the sun came up and came home long after the sun had gone down. My eyes were no longer adjusted to seeing natural daylight and would hurt if I went out for lunch. I would get home, maybe eat dinner if it wasn't too late and then pack my clothes for the next day. I would spend an hour with Mike and the dogs, finding out how his day was and then head to bed. It definitely wasn't easy, but I was quite chuffed with myself because I adjusted to my "new normal" quite quickly and I'm not someone who likes change. There's a lot about my new normal that I enjoyed: I enjoyed the people that I worked with; being challenged in new ways every day and taking on more and more responsibilities. I loved being able to share my new experiences and opportunities with my friends and family, some of whom were going through exactly the same changes. There was also a certain kind of rush that came with the constant pressure. It's as if working life gave me some clarity and purpose.

Then came lockdown and I have been forced to get used to a new normal: there is now no separation between the stages of my day. I have to gym at home, work from home, try and connect with my loved ones from home. My work has by no means become any less, but when I'm stressed I can quickly go for a walk in our garden or play with the dogs. I can work with the puppies at my feet and hearing the birds chirping. Most importantly, I see and feel sunlight and actually breathe in fresh air! I get moments, like hearing Mike laugh at How I Met Your Mother, or hearing Finley awoo, that makes me smile and reminds me to take a breath. When I have moments that aren't so busy I can do some housework, and believe me that's very much appreciated as there is always housework. Even though Mike has been taking the brunt of the work, due to my hectic work schedule, I am so tired of cleaning the floors and washing the dishes. If used paper plates could be recycled, we would seriously be considering going full student and just using those. The pressure that I felt, even though it was only for three months, of maintaining a work/life balance has eased immensely which has freed up energy to be productive. I am also definitely not missing the commute! Working from home has therefore in many ways been a blessing. Gym has been a whole other story. I miss the atmosphere that came from immediately stepping into Virgin Active. The energy that pulsated through the place gave me the push I sometimes needed when I got tired. I miss the great instructors and not knowing what a class would hold. I usually went to the gym 5-6 times a week. Gyming at home, I'm down to four times a week, with zero motivation. What makes things worse: I do not have the self-control necessary to be so close to my kitchen. I am continuously snacking.

There's a lot about this time that I'm thankful for. I am thankful for the wake-up call for the need to rest and for balance. I am thankful that people are more aware of mental health, especially employers. When you're stuck with yourself in a room there are not many places that you can hide from your thoughts. For some that's terrifying, for others, it's long overdue. I am thankful that we South Africans have definitely not lost our sense of humour. People are exploring new skills and finding new passions. Mike has started a Youtube channel and I've started blogging. People are being forced to be creative and find solutions for what seems impossible problems. We've been forced to look differently at life, trying to find some positivity amongst a pandemic. Some people are even realising that they actually do like the people they are married to and that they're kids are actually pretty cool. Some, like one of my neighbours who have weekly shouting fests, have realised that they never should have gotten married in the first place. I suppose that's why they're calling this the "great realisation." Being stuck indoors have all forced us to make some realisations about ourselves and the world that we have been living in. I am thankful for the chance that the earth is getting to heal and grow. People are realising how important health is and how lucky those are who have it. I love spending a lot more time with Mike and the puppies- turns out they're pretty damn cool. People are realising the importance of loved ones and their simple acts of kindness, like a hug. In many ways this time has been a blessing, but, there's also been a lot of sacrifices. I miss my mom's hugs more than I can say. I miss giving my ouma a kiss on her cheek and punching my brother on his arm. I am not an advocate for ignorance, but I've been staying clear from the news, especially once the reporter turns to unemployment statistics, deaths or anything to do with "downgrading" because the impact of this pandemic is enough to make you go crazy from worry. I grieve for all the plans that I had, that has now had to change or be cancelled- my graduation being moved and not being able to spend important holidays with my family. I grieve for those who cannot see their newly-born grandchildren or who have planned their wedding for months just for it all to have to be cancelled. I grieve for those putting their lives in danger, trying to keep us safe and healthy. I grieve for those in leadership positions who need to make the tough calls and work unimaginable hours as they try to figure out how to get us all through this. Nowhere is a book called: "How to run a country through a pandemic for dummies." I grieve for my choices being taken away, never having the option to make new plans as I have no idea what the next week holds. I miss consistency and convenience. I miss going to church and having shopping sprees with my mom. All these things are first world problems, but they're problems none the less. The loss of freedom has had an unsettling effect. Being told when you can jog, what you need to wear, what you may buy, even though it is absolutely necessary- it goes against something that is inherent within us all. There's a reason that freedom is a constitutional right. For the last couple of weeks, I've been stuck at home and yet there is just something so much more constricting to the idea "curfew."

At this point, some people are praying for their old lives to restart, whilst others are enjoying the break. Some are calling for drastic change once all of this is done, whilst others just want "normal." Can we have something of both? Can we have more time, less stress, less pollution but without the curfew and restrictions? I, personally, am dreading having to once again get used to a new, old normal. Many are saying that the world will never be the same after this pandemic. In certain ways I think that they are right. This pandemic has forced us to face the truth: we have been living an unsustainable life. I fear, however, that the current of everyday life, the stress and the speed thereof, that so easily swept us up before, may do so again. Every superhero movie has that moment: that moment where humanity needs to stand together against an unimaginable evil. This is that moment and I think humanity is doing a pretty great job of standing together, 1 meter apart. The issue is, the superhero can't hang up its cape after this united stand, because selfishness and lack of discipline don't just disappear from society after this unimaginable evil has been concurred and neither will it disappear after this pandemic. The only way that life will truly change is if each person individually realises what they want out of life: less stress, less pollution, less selfishness, more time. And maybe if enough people individually make the decision to change their lives, then we'll see a global change in society. Maybe then we'll have a new normal instead of slipping back into the old one.